Cats in the Cradle

When you coming home? 

Son, I don't know when. We'll get together then. 
You know well have a good time then

Well, my son turned ten just the other day. 
He said, thanks for the ball, dad. come on, lets play. 
Could you teach me to throw?

I said, not today. I got a lot to do. 
He said, that's okay. and he walked away and he smiled and he said, 
You know, I'm gonna be like him, yeah. 
You know I'm gonna be like him

I am a proud, young father of two (legally that is). My eldest is turning six and I have a newborn son. I am an early bloomer, nuff said. Sadly, they came from different mothers and no, I'm not being hypocritical for saying that this situation is sad, because it really is, but I'm psyched that my kids will have someone I NEVER had: A rival, a best friend, a team mate, a "bro", a brother. Biologically they are step brothers but that’s not a big issue for me (and I know it's going to be an issue for their mothers) but let me tackle that with you on my next post. For now, let me share some thoughts regarding my relationship with my eldest son.

I'm very proud of my first born. He's a smaller version of me and might I say, an exact replica! When he was born, I was a very busy man. We lived 15-30 minutes away from where I work and yet ironically, I spent most of my time in the office and spending my free time at home only to eat, and sleep. Of course I had my days off from work but my ex didn't accept that as an excuse for me having little to no time for them so the inevitable happened. She left me bringing our kid along with her. Now, at this point, any responsible father would've asked his partner not to leave him but at that time, I wasn't the responsible father that that situation demands. Instead, I enjoyed my freedom. Don't get me wrong, I still give her money for our son and visit him every week or every two weeks.  I've seen him go to school, I've seen him walk the stage and accept his kindergarten diploma. I've seen him perform in a school program. But do you think that's enough? At that time, I did. Now my kid has grown up and about to go to his 1st grade in elementary school, and I feel that he's already adapted to the situation that we can only see each other every other week, and only when it's " payday"

Just recently, me and my son had this conversation.

Son: Daddy, ano work mo?

Me: I’m an Account Manager.

Son: Ano yun? Ano ginagawa mo sa work mo Daddy?

Me: Ibig sabihin, ako ang nag-aasikaso sa mga customer namin na kailangan ng support galing sa office ni Daddy.

Son: Mahirap po ba yun?

Me: Not really, all I have to do is to give them the help they need. Kailangan lang nila ng mag-aasikaso sa kanila.

Son: Ah, Okay. Sige gusto ko din maging kagaya ni Daddy yung work ko!

Me: (Laughing, yet very proud of myself) Pero kailangan magaling ka mag-english! Kailangan, kahit may work ka na, mag-aral ka padin! Para lalo kang gumaling!

Son: Work atsaka Aral ng sabay?! Andami naman gagawin!

Me: Ganun talaga, kaya busy talaga si Daddy.

Son: Daddy, kaya ba di mo nako lagi pinupuntahan 'tsaka hinahatid sa school?

Me: Anak, Daddy's working kasi eh. I'm working para makapag-school ka, and para may pambili tayo ng toys na gusto mo. And para pag pumunta tayong Jollibee, meron tayong pambili ng Chickenjoy!

At this point, a memory played in my head. A flashback of the same situation with the same topic. But this time, It's between me and my Dad.

My son, staring blankly at his psp calmly said:

Son: Eh di pag hindi nalang ako mag aral sa school, and hindi nalang ako magpabili ng toys, at hindi na din ako magpabili ng Chickenjoy, lagi mo akong pupuntahan and ihahatid mo ako sa school lagi?"

I was speechless. I was caught off guard by a 5 year old boy.

All my "smart" mind can get me to do was to hug my son real tight, tickle him and kiss him till he was laughing his socks off. That was my only response. I changed the topic to his favorite TV show Ben10, because if we continued on with the topic of our conversation, I would've cried in front of him. I would've let myself go, and cried my ass off while asking for his forgiveness for my mishaps. I felt so weak at that time but I can't let him see that.

I can't let him see me in my frightened state. I'm scared and aghast because the moment that dreaded me my whole life just passed by! The thing that I have been trying to prevent since I became a father has happened all along! And it was the moment that I become my father. What's worse is that my son has always seen me as his role model, in the same way that I idolized my Dad before.

I know there is still time for me to correct this. This is not how a father treats his children and I am now correcting my mistakes and filling those holes that I created in my son's little heart.  But now I fear that this experience, this event, will affect his personality so much that he will commit the same mistake that his grandfather and I made.

These are my thoughts. These are my feelings and this is a lesson. A lesson for me and for every guy out there.

Everyone can be a father... But only a few can be a real Daddy, Papa, Tatay, etc.

And as the song goes

I've long since retired, my sons moved away. 
I called him up just the other day. 
I'd like to see you, if you don't mind. 
He said, I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time. 
You see my new jobs a hassle and the kids have the flu, 
But it's sure nice talkin to you, dad. 
It's been sure nice talkin to you. 
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me, 
He'd grown up just like me. 
My boy was just like me. 

-Leonard