Unbearable

"...I can't afford to lose you, I want you back..."

We had a fight about me giving you three roses. You assumed that I was giving you those because I’ve done something wrong but my intentions were only to make your day perfect.

The night before I gave you those roses, I was with my friends having a good time at a bar. We met 5 girls and got along just well. We asked them if they would like to get out and have some fun somewhere and we ended up at Nico's place. Booze was everywhere, we had fun and everything went well. You never went out of my head and I kept sending messages of how fun the night is going. I wished that you could be with me tonight. You are only about 80 kilometers away from me, so it is nearly impossible for you to be immediately be with me tonight and besides, I'm pretty sure you are already sound asleep.

I came up with an idea to just drive to your place and drop a rose before you wake up. I was excited to see how you would react once you see them right at your bed. I think your cousin saw me, I just told her not to make any noise. I have no idea how did I make it despite of all the alcohol in my system then.

I left your place and a couple of minutes later, a text message from you grazed my phone saying "what did you do this time?" I was surprised on how you reacted. I have not done anything wrong but you did not buy it. You were convinced that I did something wrong overnight and having a couple of girls at Nico's place has something to do with it. You didn’t want to talk about it and stopped replying on my messages and I was dead drunk and fell asleep.

I woke up with a message of you breaking up with me. “I’m sorry, this has been bothering me for a long time and did not know how or when to tell you, but I guess there is no better way of telling it but to start with the key variables. I think I don’t love you anymore. I don't think I can reciprocate what you feel about me. I know this is harsh, but I don't think I can make it." In denial of what I have read I asked you to send it again and pretended that I’ve accidentally deleted it. I even asked you if you are really sure about it. You said yes and you do not know when you started feeling this way.

I was numb and didn't know how to react. I may be in denial or just can't absorb what I have read.  I know that you do not mean it and this is another way of you saying "stay away from me". So I left you alone and later the next day you sent me another message. “I know that I have told you that I do not love you anymore, but you are confused and its driving you nuts thinking about it over and over again, so for now, I just want you back.”

I got to your place and we talked about it and you just said. “It’s just unfair that it is unbearable just thinking of living without you". I didn't know how to react to those words, but I was always astonished on how you display your feelings for me. Not all the time you say or do it, but when it happens it gives me the chills. 

-Howard