On Falling Down and Rising Up

I’ve been a jerk these past few days. I did something stupid, so stupid that it made me feel like a jerk or should I say a dumbass. I was never like this, that I create scenarios or formulate ideas that seem too far from happening. I was never the type of guy that always gives meaning to something that I saw and hear.

“…you failed me, again.”

I can’t remember the last time I was affected by mere words from someone. Come on, I’ve worked in Call Centers and I am used to the idea of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” but those four words really hit the target. It was like everything that I’ve done went straight to the bins. I couldn’t even utter a single word. My world went down with my tears. It hurts not because someone special said those to me but the fact that I was the one who made her say it.

I hate losing. I hate failing. I hate being second-rate. I hate it. I hate the truth that I made a mistake that eventually backfired. Call it karma. I call it plain stupidity.

That’s why when the message registered into my phone, I was stunned and just looked at it for more than a minute. “…You failed me”, “…already killed me” and “…again” made it worse.

I realized I should never be like this. I was never like this. I was never the jerk. I was the boss of my own life. I have my own diskartes, moves, my pick-ups, my swag, my confidence. I never cared about what happened yesterday, what matters to me is today.

 I wish I could re-do it. I wish I could erase it. But the damage has been done. I made a mistake, I earned my price.

But I just wish she would understand. I hope she will eventually understand.

I will not defend myself. What I did was wrong. But I have my reasons. And I stand with what I thought was right at that time. But now I knew better.

I fall down, I will rise up. No other way for me but up.

I learned not to let our mind deceive or bring us down. Sometimes it works against us just to see who the boss is. Got to let the brain know who’s in-charge.

Things only matter in the mind. If you never mind, things would never matter.

I must stop thinking and will start doing.

-Raj